Tips for Moving In with Your Significant Other

Cohabitation is a common part of an adult relationship’s timeline — and according to a study we did, that time seems to come after one year of being together. We found that happier couples tend to have spent more time together before moving in and that moving in together often comes with visions of marriage and a long-term future. But how do you know if you and your significant other are prepared to move in?

As much as it’s an exciting step forward in a relationship, though, moving in with your significant other for the first time is a milestone that comes with some uncharted territory. It’s an adventure, but it’s also good to be prepared for this big step and handle it with care rather than just jumping in. That’s why we spoke to relationship expert Ricki Romm, LCSW, who specializes in both individual and couples therapy, to get her advice on moving in together. 

Apartment renters know that much of the decision making and discussions happen before the move-in date. If you can plan your move smoothly, it bodes well for living together (but keep in mind: There are no hacks for the perfect move. Some difficult conversations will likely ensue.) Here’s some of Romm’s advice based on questions you might have before move-in day. 

What conversations should we have? Before even starting the apartment hunt process, Romm recommends finding answers to some of the following important questions and setting aside uninterrupted time to discuss them:  

Not having enough space, not sharing household responsibilities well, and not agreeing with how one’s partner spends their time were all common complaints that our survey respondents had about cohabitating — so figuring out what to expect upon moving in is important for avoiding future arguments. Romm adds that it’s key to remain in agreement that these conversations are ongoing. “Once you live together, your needs and preferences will evolve,” she says. “The goal of the initial conversation is not necessarily to sign a contract but to lay the foundation for solid open communication.” 

Where should we live? Think about the time you took to make sure your current apartment was the right one for you: You likely took account of your priorities, decided where you were willing to compromise, toured a number of units until you found the right one, and carefully filled out an application. Looking for a new home with your partner will be a similar process, but with the added variable of someone else’s opinions — which means you may be spending time figuring out what your and your partner’s needs are in an apartment before you find the one.

If you have different tastes or priorities than your partner, try to choose not to see this as a red flag or the starting point of a fight. Instead, practice maintaining an open mind and use the touring experience to learn more about each other’s wants and needs. Early on, you may want to “go into [tours] understanding that those viewings may be more experimental than real considerations,” Romm says. “It is common for people to adjust their expectations or rethink their priorities as they tour.”  

Although the day of the move is the shortest phase of moving in with your partner, it feels climactic for many because of the anticipation and, often, chaos of the day. Stressors like physically getting your stuff from one apartment to the next can be a challenge for couples moving in together, but there are some strategies to avoid that stress coming between you and your partner.  

How do we prepare for the move? “I think being aware of the potential stress is a great first step,” says Romm, “instead of hoping or assuming that you will be immune to it.” She recommends having another conversation about stress in your relationship and how you’ve responded to it in the past. What has worked for you? What are each person’s signs that they’re feeling stressed? What helps each person feel at ease? Be prepared to go easy on each other, check in, and offer support on the big day.  

What gets packed and what goes? The age-old packing conflict: He wants to keep his favorite movie poster, she wants to keep the crooked lamp shade. Living together means making some compromises on who gets to keep what when it comes to interior design (and what has to end up in a storage unit). Romm recommends asking the following questions before and during packing to make sure all parties remain satisfied: 

All the furniture is placed, and the movers have gone. You live together now; the process is over, right? Not exactly. Romm reminds us that it’s smart to keep having conversations and remain open to changes. She also reminds us to be patient with ourselves. 

“There are no ‘shoulds’ here,” she explains. “The learning curve can vary by so much.” She says because couples are unique individuals, every couple will experience moving in together in a different way. Each person’s temperament, background, needs, and schedules (to name a few) cause the experience to vary. One common conflict that a lot of people deal with boils down to finances.

Should one of us pay more rent? In a perfect world, both people in a couple would make equal salaries and split housing costs down the middle and each party would save money. And based on another study we did, this type of rent breakdown will likely save you thousands by the end of your one-year lease. However, splitting down the middle is not always the way to go. If you and your partner make different amounts of money, should the one who makes more pay more of the rent? Romm says there are many different ways to approach this issue, and she’s seen all of them work.  

“Some couples choose to split the rent evenly and stay within the lower earner’s budget. Some agree to each put in a certain percentage of their income,” she says. There’s no one right answer for success: “It’s about getting it right for your relationship.”