The Dos and Don’ts of Roommate Conflict, According to a Psychotherapist

Sharing a living space with another person inevitably comes with its complications. There’s a vast umbrella of roommate conflicts, and we’ve likely all been somewhere under it: messy roommates, loud roommates, food-stealing roommates, and the list goes on.  

Conflict at home can be awkward and tough to navigate — whether you’re adult roommates or college roommates — and it unfortunately often interferes with our day-to-day quality of life at home.

Emotions like frustration and anger can run hot and cloud our judgment, so examining roommate problems through a psychological lens can be helpful. When your buttons are pushed, here’s what to do, and what not to do, according to Becca Jacobs, LCSW, psychotherapist at The NYC Therapy Center.  

First things first: Although it may be tempting, try not to let your frustration fester for the sake of avoiding conflict. “When we keep our emotions bottled up inside of us, it stores tension in our bodies,” says Jacobs. The result: physical and emotional strain — and discomfort in the apartment. “Unresolved conflict can lead to resentment and put a strain on the living environment for all parties,” she says.   

Instead, Jacobs recommends focusing on a simple mantra: Your emotions are valid. “It’s important to validate our own feelings and be able to communicate them effectively and with compassion so that we can not only show up better for ourselves, but also enhance healthy connections,” she says.  

Although it’s important to consider your feelings and take them seriously, Jacobs says it’s also important to give the scenario a good think — especially if you’re coming across your roommate-related qualm for the first time or sense emotions like anger just begin to simmer. “Any issue that affects your well-being can be worth addressing,” she says. But at the same time, try to take a deep breath and run through some important considerations:  

Instead of reacting — firing off an angry text message; going full-throttle with passive aggressive guerrilla tactics like claiming all your snacks with large angry Sharpie; or immediately confronting your roommate face-to-face, Jacobs says to slowly evaluate your thoughts and keep an open mind.

“Allow the immediate thought to come in, and try to take a pause before addressing it with a roommate so you can become curious about what else is happening and coming up for you in this situation,” she says. “Giving yourself space to process can lead to better communication about your feelings and needs.” 

One method of conflict resolution you can use is proactive and might come in handy, especially if you’re living with someone you don’t know very well. In these situations, Jacobs recommends laying a foundation for peace and understanding when you initially move in with the person or people.  

Writing down an actual roommate agreement isn’t necessary for every situation, but having actual conversations about your expectations and coming to a mutual understanding can make all the difference down the road. Talk through different situations before they become a problem, so both parties know what is required for a happy living situation. For example, if you need to keep the noise level down in the evenings on weeknights, tell your roommate outright. Don’t wait until they invite friends over one evening to complain and ask for an early lights out time.

“It may be helpful to try to establish more open communication early on in living together, so that you create a safer space to be able to express your needs,” she says. “Finding common ground and remaining respectful throughout these conversations can set you up to navigate conflict more smoothly.” 

Another tempting move when it comes to cohabitation conflicts is to try and drop hints to your roommate about what’s bothering you. If they’ve been leaving clutter and trash around the house, for example, making a pile of their belongings and putting it somewhere obvious might seem like the most satisfying or effective move. But really, Jacobs warns, this will only harm your roommate relationship. 

“Passive aggressiveness can tend to increase tension,” she says. “By being direct and communicating clearly, you can be more effective in your message, even if this feels uncomfortable.” Plus, where you might spend a couple weeks at silent war with your roommate anticipating your next hint drop, you could have resolved the issue with just one brief, albeit awkward, conversation.  

Especially in situations where your roommate is a best friend, it can be hard to choose the right course of action when you’re feeling frustrated with something they’re doing. After all, you don’t want to harm your friendship over a complication that arises just because you live under the same roof. In these situations, Jacobs says to take extra care to protect your relationship. “Approach the situation with empathy and compassion,” she says.  

To help with this, she recommends using “I” statements instead of accusatory “you” statements, which can lead to the other party feeling attacked. It can also help, Jacobs says, to verbally identify your concern for the relationship and your desire to maintain a healthy and fun environment in the apartment. Hopefully, with effective communication, you’ll both feel good leaving a tough conversation. “You can place emphasis on the value of your friendship and express your desire to resolve the problem or issue together.” 

Dealing with conflict can be anxiety provoking, especially for those who struggle with social discomfort to begin with. When your peace, wellbeing, and mental health are put at risk, especially at home in your private space, it’s easy to feel emotional dysregulation. “If you’re anxious about confrontation, you’re not alone,” says Jacobs. “Engaging in mindfulness or grounding techniques, including breath work, to bring yourself back to the present moment and establish safety in your body can help to regulate your nervous system.” 

If your anxiety stems from fear of retaliation from your roommate after confronting them, Jacobs says not to hesitate in seeking “backup” from your surrounding community, and speaking with a therapist to bounce ideas and regain emotional regulation can make all the difference in resolving the situation. People outside of the home can be great mediators when it comes to working through conflict.

But Jacobs’ ultimate advice? Set boundaries. “When we are able to show up for ourselves, we can actually show up better for others, and enhance healthy connections,” she says. “Conflict is a natural part of life, and being able to resolve conflict in a healthy and respectful way actually strengthens relationships.”  

Need specific advice for a conflict? Read our guide, written by a resident advisor, for handling different situations based on her real-life experience.

Unsure whether or not your lifestyle will align with a potential roommate? Take our Roommate Compatibility Quiz. It’s free, takes less than 5 minutes, requires no sign up — and will tell you your personality traits as a roommate. Find out what type of roommate you are and what type you'd best live with — whether you’re in a residence hall or your first New York apartment.